PLEASE NOTE: This article discusses perpetration, trauma, and cult
programming. If you are a survivor, do not read if these subjects are
triggering unless with your therapist or a safe person.
I will be writing on an extremely difficult subject, that of trauma bonding,
also known as bonding to the perpetrator. This is difficult to do for
several reasons. As a child, I was in a state of “captivity to my
abuser” as delineated in trauma journals. I was raised in an isolative
cult, and bonded heavily to my primary programmers, both my parents, and
the trainers that worked with me. Then, as an adult, I continued the vicious
cycle when I became a trainer, then a head trainer, and bonded others
to me.
Trauma bonding is the issue that is left out of the equation when people
ask “Why do cult members recontact their perps? Why do they keep
going back for more abuse?” Without understanding chronic trauma,
and the effects of trauma bonding, it is impossible to understand the
dynamic involved. I will be sharing in this article both from personal
memory of methods used, as well as sourcing to the literature on the subject.
My greatest hope is that by understanding this often misunderstood subject,
that others may be helped to pull out of its insidious pull.
If a person is unable to escape chronic, traumatic abuse, they will eventually
begin to bond with their perpetrator(s). This has been well documented
in the literature. It will occur because of the dehumanization of the
victim, who may reach a state of feeling that they are “robotized”
or nonfeeling, combined with a disruption in the capacity for intimacy
caused by the trauma.
“ Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships
and to seeks them desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust,
the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to
avoid reminders of the trauma that might be found in social life, all
foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of the traumatic
event intensifies the need for protective attachments. The traumatized
person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging
to others... “(1)
Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,
incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone,
and fear abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics
are NOT a personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is
often rooted in the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not
only a CAPTIVE to their abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator
for food, shelter, or other necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse,
a small child will often be abandoned for periods of time, to increase
their dependency upon the very people who are abusing them. Any two or
three year old will be almost insanely grateful to be rescued from a small
box that they have been confined within for hours, or from the dark confines
of a musty basement where they have been left for a day or two. Even the
most abusive perpetrator will then become the child’s rescuer, which
is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person’s
abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the
abuse, as well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence
that creates dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and
terror that are instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the
adult) to reach out to the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator.
And the perpetrator WILL rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child
out of the confines of their pain, but for a price: their unrelenting
loyalty and obedience. This is the traumatic underpinning of all cult
programming that I have seen: a combination of abuse and kindness; terror
and rescue; degradation and praise.
This will be reinforced by the perceived power of the perpetrator in
the cult situation: In situations of captivity, the perpetrator becomes
the most powerful person in the life of the victim, and the psychology
of the victim is shaped by the actions and beliefs of the perpetrator.
(1)
This is survival at its most basic for the child raised in a cult setting,
since failure to do this will cause further punishment and pain. The child
will have seen people tortured or killed for disobedience, and so, literally,
the perpetrator WILL have the perceived power of life and death over the
child. If the child complies, and is “obedient” to the demands
of their perpetrator and the group, they will be “rewarded”with
freedom from punishment and continued life. The intense coercion to not
only comply with, but to identify idealistically, with the group in this
context is overwhelming. Almost all very young children in an abusive
cult setting will begin to internalize their perpetrators in some form
in order to cope with this reality. And this reaction will be rewarded
heavily, if not done intentionally. Many cult handlers or trainers will
pretend to “pass on their spirit” into the child, and will
tell the child that they now “live within them” and “are
always watching them.” Frequently, the young child will then create
an internal alter with the same name as the outside abuser or trainer.
I remember my second trainer, Dr. Brogan, saying that he was giving himself
“immortality” by going to “live inside of me”
when I created (with his help) an internal Dr.Brogan. This alternate personality
became a head internal trainer inside, the same role that Dr. Brogan had
on the outside, and part of healing has meant learning that this internal
Brogan is actually part of ME and learning that he no longer had to do
his old “job” of reprogramming me internally. It has also
meant breaking free of the hold that the GOOD memories of him, the kindnesses,
the expressions of love and caring, held over me as well, since they bonded
me to him, and to the group that he belonged to.
In the cult, it is not uncommon to have a “death ritual”
where the child is brought to a near death experience. Afterwards, the
“rescuers” are the trainers who talk soothingly to the child,
massage him or her with oils, and tell the child that they “owe
their life” to them. Not only that, but the warning is given: if
the child ever tries to break free, they will return to the state of dying.
Other set ups will include burying a child alive in a box or coffin; again,
the perpetrators will rescue the horrified child who is almost out of
their mind with terror (after several long hours) under one condition:
undying loyalty to the group and the rescuers. Traumatized beyond belief,
the child readily complies. This time of avowal and loyalty will be buried
in a deep, subconscious layer of the mind, and the older adult or survivor
may not be aware that part of the draw to the group is the belief that
they “owe their life to them.” The subconscious fear needs
to be dealt with: that leaving the group does NOT have to mean death,
as they were taught in early childhood traumatizations.
After any training session, all Illuminati trainers know that the most
important time is the “kindness bonding” after the trauma
is over. The best trainers will have kind personas that will come out,
talk lovingly to the “subject” and tell them how well they
did, how needed the subject is to the group, how “special”
and unique they are. Rewards such as a special food, drugs, or a sexual
partner will be given as well. This “kindness” after the trauma
is the hook that will often draw programmed personalities back to the
cult, since some personalities may know only of the rewards and kindness,
and will block the abuse. Heavily abused alters have less of an investment
in returning to the cult; but heavily rewarded and praised alters will,
and must be helped in therapy to see the whole picture.
Siblings and other children will often form a trauma bond with each other,
much as soldiers in a war setting, or prisoners, will do. “Twinning”
with a non-biological twin will carry this to an extreme. In different
situations, the children are allowed to “rescue” each other,
increasing their loyalty and bond to each other. They will go through
the same programming and torture together, and will feel the bond of “surviving
it” together. A “battlefield” mentality may literally
develop, as friendships deepen in youth and vows to be willing to die
for one another are given and taken. But all too often, these friends
and twins and siblings are also forced to traumatize and wound each other,
reinforcing another basic cult message: the one who loves you will hurt
you.
The survivor who escapes the cult will feel a powerful pull back because
of a lifetime of these types of distorted messages. The safe therapist,
or non-DID friend, is not hurting them, and this may create a huge dissonance
in a person who up until this point had always been taught that “love”
meant “pain”. They may doubt the reality of the caring messages
of those around them, or need to test their support system over and over.
And highly wounded alters, who were bonded to believe that they owe their
very life to the ones who have abused them most, may still try to recontact
former perpetrators, not believing that life can be different yet.
Undoing a lifetime of this type of teaching and training takes time,
patience, perseverance, and prayer. It will stretch the most caring support
person as they wonder why the survivor recontacts their abuser. The survivor
will feel that they have betrayed themselves, if they find they have recontacted
perpetrators, unaware of the powerful pull that trauma bonding may still
have on certain alters inside. But with caring support and continued therapy,
the survivor will begin to test old beliefs. Personalities formerly loyal
to the father, mother, or other trainers may decide to cut off contact,
and will go increasingly long periods without being reaccessed. They may
come out in therapy, angry and disgruntled, or asking when the therapist
is going to “put down their façade” and begin hurting
them (this is another form of testing). The person’s whole world
view may go through a 180 degree inside as they realize that love does
NOT have to mean abuse, and the message reaches the deepest layers inside.
Deep grieving over the abuse of trust, over the betrayals, over the intentionality
of the trauma bonding and the set-ups will occur, as the person moves
towards healing and away from the pull of their former abusers. The process
takes time, often years, to occur, but the result, which is a life free
from cult abuse, is well worth it.
References:
1. Trauma : site at http://tor-pw1.attcanada.ca/~lrs/info/tr... excerpt
from excellent book Trauma and Recovery (1997) by Judith Lewis Herman,
MD
2. Attachment and Bonding Center of Oklahoma: site at http://www.abcok.org/attachment_disorder...
Good discussion of attachment disorder and causes in infants
3. The Meadows press release: “The Case for Traumatic Bonding:
The Betrayal Bond “by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., C.A.S. Review of
book that has an excellent discussion of trauma bonding and emotional
betrayal; article has checklist of symptoms of trauma bonding.
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If
you are going to work with ritual abuse survivors, you must also get educated
if you want to be effective. And you must learn to be humble. Trauma survivors
do not need to be around ignorant, modern-day Pharisees. Survivors in
pain need people who will connect with them on an emotional level, get
right down in there where they are, and listen. --Kathleen Sullivan